Pet Humour

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Dog 0 - Cats 3

Are You A Dog Person?
You have a kiddy paddling pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
The kitchen bin is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
You refer to yourselves as Mummy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet shop every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower head just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the chemist. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy wood and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's)
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor).
You never completely finish a piece of food (so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favourite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
 

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Things We Can Learn From A Dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticised, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

A Dog Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

DUSTBIN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance  away.

DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort manoeuvre used when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.  Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Author Unknown

  'Downloading'!!!! Oh dear!!!!

They say owners grow to look like their dog!  Here is the woof (whoops) proof!!!

Thats all folks.  Hope you enjoyed this page